“This biggest problem in communication is the illusion that is has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw
One of my favorite discoveries in communication came thanks to my son, Henry. When he was little, he loved to climb our ladder. This would make me nervous, and I would try to distract him from getting on it. When I couldn’t dissuade him from climbing, I found myself constantly telling him to “be careful!” The problem was that he wasn’t careful … because he was three. I can still remember the moment when it hit me that he wasn’t being careful, because he didn’t know what careful means. I had been telling him to be careful, thinking that I was communicating everything he needed to know to be safe, without realizing that he did not know what to do to be careful. The word meant nothing to him.
I decided to take a new approach. Instead of just saying “be careful,” I had a talk with him about what being careful means. I explained that when he climbs the ladder, being careful means that both hands are always on the ladder and that he should look at his feet when he would come down. I had him repeat it. We practiced and I asked him several times, “what does careful on the ladder mean?” Now my reminders to be careful meant something. I did have to add a third rule about being careful – that his belly button had to face the ladder, but he got it. I thought I had been communicating, but I had made a big assumption about what my son knew about ladder safety.
This has been a good reminder to me about when give feedback or coaching. It is easy to tell someone they need a better attitude or that we need to see more effort, but what exactly does that mean? Good communication requires being specific about behaviors. If they don’t know what exact behaviors to enact differently, it’s like telling a three-year-old to be careful. They will smile and nod, but the communication is probably just an illusion.