One of the main ideas we teach in the Crucial Conversations workshop is that if you don’t talk it out, you will act it out. We will often go to great lengths to avoid a hard conversation. Often the worry is that we will handle it poorly or that our conversation will make it worse than what we have now. The trouble with that approach is that deciding to not say something feels like it is the nicer, easier way, but it has consequences just as real as deciding to have the conversation. A conversation may not go exactly as planned, but not having the conversation can also increase the divide between you. Sometimes we think we are clever enough to disguise our true feelings and that we can act normal as if there is nothing out of the ordinary happening. Unfortunately, hardly any of us are good enough actors to really pull that off. We will leak our true emotions or feelings in small ways. Maybe it is our body language that doesn’t match what we say or maybe it is our level of engagement, but something will be off. This can further complicate our already strained situation. We will tend to act it out if we don’t talk it out.
We don’t like to be uncomfortable, and often the way through the problem is to walk into that awkward, or vulnerable conversation. What can save us is to go into the conversation with humility and curiosity. Humility is important because it leads to a more open stance. We may feel we are in the right and know exactly what needs to happen, but we also don’t fully know what is going on inside the other person. Curiosity about what they are thinking and feeling can help us to think about them as a person rather than an obstacle and find out more. We realize that they may not feel safe for whatever reason, and we are willing to be open to our potential role in how we got to our present situation.
Crucial conversations are about getting results. That doesn’t mean that we will always get our way. Once we start talking to people, we often will learn more about where they are coming from, and our motives change from winning to finding a new way forward. If we want to get to different results, we must realize that change only comes from being in moments that are uncomfortable, but necessary. That allows us to connect on a human level and build the trust we need to help each other though.